Self-compassion, a concept first documented in connection to the Buddhists, or, more specifically, Secular Buddhism, is rooted in less suffering for all. A Tibetan Buddhist prayer says, “May all beings have happiness and the cause of happiness. May they be free from suffering and the cause of suffering.” This beautiful sentiment is rooted in compassion for self and others. Most of us are much more inclined to give our compassion to others before considering that we need it now more than ever. This brings me to moving beyond self-care to self-compassion for mental and physical wellness.
“Hold yourself as a mother holds her beloved child.” —Buddha
First and foremost, compassion is always present when there is no judgment or qualifying factors. Compassion is often defined as a deep awareness of the suffering of others, coupled with the desire to alleviate that suffering. The absence of judgment is critical to compassion because judgment tends to cloud our perception of others and their struggles. When we judge, we impose our values, beliefs, or expectations on a person or situation. This judgment can distance us from understanding the true nature of someone’s suffering.
The person who most needs your compassion is you. We can scratch the surface by getting enough sleep, drinking tea, journaling, meditation, mindfulness, and practicing intentional breathing to add peace, calm, and happiness into our daily lives. However, self-compassion goes well beyond this.
Practicing self-compassion holistically involves nurturing and caring for yourself on multiple levels, including physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Here are some practical steps to help you holistically cultivate self-compassion:
Challenge Negative Self-Talk:
Pay attention to your inner dialogue. Replace self-criticism with self-encouragement and kindness. When you notice self-critical thoughts, reframe them more compassionately and constructively. Understand that the ability to reframe negative self-talk, if that has been a constant in your life, will take time, but stay on the path; it gets easier with time. You can overcome self-criticism.
Set Realistic Expectations:
Set achievable goals and expectations for yourself. Understand your limits and be gentle when you don’t meet your own standards. It’s important to acknowledge that everyone has limitations and makes mistakes. Habits need to be challenged consistently to be changed.
Seek Social Support:
Connect with supportive friends and family. Share your thoughts and feelings with people who provide empathy and understanding. Don’t hesitate to ask for help or lean on your support network. If you struggle to ask for help or do not have your network available when you need it (not everyone has the capacity to help when they are going through their stuff), consider reaching out for help from a professional. Remember, you are strong when you ask for what you need, not the opposite.
Embrace Emotional Acceptance:
Allow yourself to feel a range of emotions without judgment. Remember that all emotions are valid and part of the human experience—practice self-compassion by treating your emotions with kindness, whether positive or negative. Healing takes time. Emotions can be complex, and it’s ok to take your time to work through them. Be patient with yourself in the process.
Set Boundaries:
Learn to set healthy boundaries to protect your well-being. Recognize when you need to say no to additional commitments or when you need to distance yourself from toxic relationships. A key takeaway regarding boundaries is people will often be much happier when you are quiet (allowing bad behavior) but much less happy when you state your boundaries. When you begin this practice, it will feel like it is you and you must be doing something wrong when people respond poorly to when you set healthy boundaries…. you’re not.
A Few Final Thoughts
Consistently asking yourself things like, “What is it that my body/mind needs right at this moment,” “How can I love myself just a little bit more right now,” or “What is the most beneficial thing I can do right now for myself.” These statements will keep you in the present and help you develop self-compassion. Still, they will ultimately retrain your brain and your central nervous system to stay in that sweet spot of the parasympathetic nervous system, or our rest and restore mode.
Our thoughts can be heavy, and the experiences and life events all around us of pain and suffering can get to us all, but being able to let our thoughts come in, be acknowledged, and flow out like clouds in a brilliant blue sky with the knowing that everything is a temporary situation is a skill worth mastering. In essence, this is the ability always to honor life as it is in the present without wishing for it to be another way. I can tell you from experience, from intense pain and suffering, that in those deep, dark moments, I could not fathom that everything would be ok. It is in living through those experiences and truly thriving on the other side that I could even begin to put this into practice. Looking back after getting through it (not around it) and showing myself that I did it makes that next moment of heaviness that much easier. I am nowhere near perfect at it, but sometimes I amaze even myself.
Celebrate your gifts and your uniqueness. Many of us struggle with accepting a compliment speaks volumes in this area. When we can truly be rooted in what makes us unique, when we are fully aware and proud of what we are good at and reawaken that passion inside of us to shine brightly to the world, our self-compassion will also burn brightly. When we cultivate radical self-compassion, we are much less likely to depend on others to validate us, and our self-worth will not hinge on anything outside of ourselves.
It is important to know that you are not alone. While we may see suffering all around us, our tribe is out there. Those who will understand us and hold space for exactly who we are, our gifts, our flaws, our fears, all of it. We can show up authentically and be celebrated for it. We are all living a similar experience; we all have a common woven thread but are, at the same time, brilliantly unique. We all deserve our love and compassion. Practice self-care as often as possible. It is never selfish, but necessary.
Celebrate that!
I hope you see yourself for the beautiful light you are and begin to shine, not for anyone else but yourself.
Wishing you abundant health and happiness,
Leslie xoxo
Further Reading
Additional tips for self-compassion
