We cannot think the things we’ve always thought and expect positive change in our lives. Today I want to talk about facing our emotional triggers to create positive change.
Facing Emotional Triggers to Create Positive Change
Comfort and change cannot possibly live in the same house at the same time.
Think about a statement your parents may have told you when you were young, that doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result is the definition of, insanity…right?! The same goes for our thinking.
Our thoughts, especially repetitive ones, create our reality, and triggers will present themselves to help us to question our beliefs, to challenge the paradigm. It is a great feedback loop that’s purpose is to help us grow and evolve; only many of us stay stuck. Everyone struggles with this at times. Think of a time when you decided you wanted to buy a new car and had one in mind; you would begin to see more of that exact model on the road than you ever had before. The more you think about something you’re struggling with, the more it’s going to present itself in your life. This is a gift.
What is a trigger?
An emotional trigger is anything that leaves us feeling uncomfortable, ideally showing us areas in our lives that result in us feeling angry, but we are not sure why. Initially, it can give us the feeling that we need to stay away from that person. More often than not, it is someone holding up a mirror to show us something that we could improve upon somehow.
One scenario could look like this:
You find yourself creating and bringing people into your life that trigger your struggles with speaking up for yourself, and you tend to let others take advantage of your generosity and gentle nature. The trigger happens because they so eloquently speak up for themselves, and you have witnessed them being their advocate quite successfully. This may continue until you can flex that muscle and have the courage to speak up for yourself when needed. Those triggers are there to encourage your growth.
I recently visited a dear friend and spent a week having deep and intense, and sometimes gut-wrenching conversations with her and her family. Seemingly out of the blue one morning, my friend’s friend, also staying in the home, sat down across the room from me and announced, “You have triggered me since you have gotten here.” If I am honest, I was not prepared for that. I understand what my triggers are, of course, not all of them, but I know what it means, and I have never had anyone bring them to me before for discussion. I took a breath and said, “Let’s talk about that.”
She proceeded to tell me with utmost honesty and courage because it takes great courage to have these conversations, that when I walk into the room, I never hide my feelings or wear a mask. If I am happy, she knows it, and if I am not, she knows it. I have no poker face, especially when I am comfortable. She proceeded to say that throughout her childhood, she had to wear that smile. To be jovial and cheery and upbeat, no matter how she felt. She wore masks and carried this with her into adulthood. Can you close your eyes and see a happy smiling face and an upbeat voice saying, “I am doing great,” even if that was not even close to the truth? Perhaps you do this too?
So, in her seeing me never do that, she was triggered. I challenged that belief in her life. I made her uncomfortable. She thanked me for that as it was reminding her that it was ok to do the same. She could be herself and be safe. That she would begin to heal if she could just be herself, no matter who was in the room, and not be so concerned about how that made others feel.
I was not always this way with everyone. I may seem very shy to some, and in many cases, standoffish. Judgments are what we innately do as human beings until we learn another way, right?
What I do when you first meet me is read your energy, watch your body language, and learn about you without ever asking a question. She responded that “she could feel that, and it made me very uncomfortable like you were judging me,” but that was not the case. It was my holding up the mirror so she could see something in herself that made her uncomfortable. So in this conversation, we had both learned about ourselves. What we interpret about another might not always have to do with them, but often does point to something about us.
Triggers can go much deeper than this and are not always healthy. Here is another example.
A narcissist and an empath is often a toxic meeting of souls. A narcissist does not need to be formally diagnosed, at least not with my experience. Mirroring, projection, and triggers are very common in this relationship. The narcissist may trigger those things in you which need healing, but sometimes in a very toxic, brash, unhealthy, and damaging way before they discard you and move on to someone else. Sometimes it is not even your ‘stuff,’ but their own. The narcissist will draw in an empath because they like how the empath makes them feel. Why? Oh dear empath, because you are SO MUCH STRONGER than you ever give yourself credit for.
(If you have suffered at the hands of a narcissist, I recommend the work of Melanie Tonia Evans)
This topic is a blog all in of itself, but here, in regards to triggers, whether it is the narcissist honing in on your every weakness or seeing in them something that you need to heal, the triggers are strong in this relationship. Always remember you need to work on yourself; others can only be your mirror. I recommend getting far away from this type of mirror. You can learn about yourself without the toxicity and destruction that comes with this type of relationship.
What are the first steps toward really facing these triggers?
First and foremost, it is important to take accountability. When you identify a trigger, be honest with yourself. Where does this come from? Is this rooted in reality or another’s expectations growing up? Or something else entirely? What would it look like if you were in control of your reactions? How amazing would it feel to live life by your own choices and your standards? These self-limiting beliefs about yourself are indeed self-deception. You have more power in this than you have ever let yourself believe. You do have this control, but only when you identify and work through them.
Can you identify it?
Ten years ago, I had no idea what triggered me. This knowing came through life experiences, living, and growing and learning about me. It came from conversations with friends like the one I mentioned above. If you have yet to identify with these things, do not fret, where attention goes, energy flows, and you can quickly begin to notice.
How do you begin to take notice? How do you start to connect with your body? Does someone have the ability to affect your emotional body? Is there someone you can think of that makes you uncomfortable? Angry? Do they consistently do something that makes you want to avoid them? What happens in your body when they come near? Tension? Increase heart rate? Irritability? Maybe even disgust? Have you ever considered why? Are they too boisterous? Talk too much? Complain too much? Do they have something you desire? These things can and do trigger the best of us.
The goal is to determine why it bothers you. Do you wish you were more boisterous? More yourself? Do you have a lot of negative self-talk, wanting to turn that around, and hearing someone being equally negative upsets you? Then that person is triggering that very behavior in you that you do not like! Begin to take notice. Use it as fuel for change.
What are some of the most common triggers?
To be understood
To be in control
To be respected
To be valued
To have freedom/sovereignty
To feel safe
To be heard
To have your boundaries respected
These are very reasonable expectations and triggers; just remember everyone does not have your heart. It is an essential aspect of beginning to face your triggers head-on.
It is all about growth, and it will not be comfortable. You are where you should be.
Will all of your triggers completely go away? Maybe, maybe not. If you can get to a point where you can quickly identify it, and move through the emotion, rationalize the reality of it, and move forward. More times than not, the other person has no idea that they are that mirror for you. You can determine if talking to them will help or not. For many, this is not in their scope of thought, and it might offend them. If you feel they are doing it on purpose, you have the right to have that discussion, and you have the right to walk away from that relationship if it is not feeding your soul.
Take care of yourself!
xo Leslie
