by Leslie Moldenauer | | Spirit
When I arrived at The Ancient Yoga Center in Texas, a 230-acre property of Radha Madhav Dham some 6 years ago, I had no idea what to expect. Why You Need the Support of Other Women-Sacred Sisterhood
I was incredibly honored to spend a blissful few days with women who had supported me more than any woman ever had before in my life. No judgment, there to listen, hold space, and replenish one another. Dancing, drawing, fire ceremonies, nourishing food, and amazingly powerful women.
This surely is not what I was used to, or likely what many of you have been accustomed to. Competition and comparison seep into the pores of many women, forever holding us back from infinite possibilities in our lives.
That fated weekend is forever etched into my soul, and when I need reminders of how women can be when complete, whole, enlightened….whatever word you want to assign, it makes me long to be back at that temple, where I had no worries, plenty of breakthroughs..and even a night of ordered silence. That was quite exhilarating.
My fellow sisters. <3
PHOTO CREDIT: Shanti Matulewski
Since then, I have been a witness to much of the opposite behavior, and it has inspired me to begin to bring attention to the possibilities and share with others my hopes for my circles, and for yours.
I crave an intimate connection, much as you do.
Moments where we can openly and compassionately share what we are feeling without worry of repercussion, without it being shared, without judgment. Where we can talk about things deep in our soul and know that those on the receiving end hold space for us and can be trusted with our hearts.
Deep, authentic, connection. Where we can cry, scream, and tell our deepest fears as well as our wildest dreams and know that it is a safe space. It will always be a safe space. Women who champion one another, celebrate the wins with us as if they were their own wins…because in reality, they are.
When we as strong women, work to heal our wounds, in essence, we are helping so many other women to do the same. Blakeway (2019) says, “Healers are simply conduits” (p. 209), there is a lot of truth to this statement. We feel good in a healer’s presence, we know when we are in good company when we are in a safe space. This good energy helps us to feel safe enough to open the door to our own wounds for healing, integration, and transformation.
The opposite can surely also be true. Those that are hurt, those that have trauma and deep-seated insecurities can easily do damage to others, we can call it mirroring, projecting, all the way down to jealousy, competition, and comparison.
While it is true that a healer has done a lot of work on themselves, and a lot of their own healing….it is a healer’s experiences that help us to show up for others. We are more compassionate, understanding, and willing to be the mirror that someone else needs to help them take the next step in their journey.
Back at the healing center in Texas, I sat in a circle of powerful connected women, a beautifully adorned sacred altar in the middle, and the room was lit only by candles. We went around the room and spoke of our fears, of what we were ready to let go of…and I had a moment with the facilitator…now a mentor and beautiful friend…that I will never forget.
Her unconditional love for me as I let go of what I was holding on to, my guttural sobs and screams filled the room, feeling like for a fleeting moment that her and I were the only ones in the room. We both cried. We both stood and embraced one another and in the moment she gifted me a beautiful statue of Quan Yin from the altar, goddess of compassion. A statue that is now adorned on my own personal altar. That was the first time I bore witness to that kind of sacred sisterhood, but it would not be my last.
Many life events happened after that trip…..ones that reminded me that not every woman will come from this space….or maybe ever will. But I have hope. I have hope that the possibility is there and will bring awareness to that over anything else. What we bring into our circle is what will flourish.
What can we do?
1. Encourage each other to not only drop the competitive nature, but also cease toxic comparisons, and leave behind the ‘Basket of Crabs Syndrome’, and instead support our fellow sisters in their endeavors, ones that require bravery and vulnerability. We all need this!
2. Never minimize another sister and what it took for them to take a leap of faith in their life, making bold and exciting decisions. Playing it safe should not be part of our offerings to one another, but showing up as true champions of each other’s lives, saying things like you’re powerful, you’ve got this, and letting your fellow sister know you have got their back and will not let go. Don’t be afraid to tell them they messed up….while in the same breath tell them not to dare quit. We need this authenticity!
3. Be present and show up. Consider what it is that you need or desire from a fellow sister and be that. Take the next step and ask them what it is that they need from you. Spreading our wings is not easy, but when you know that your sisters are there to help you spread your wings father, not cut them off is one of the very best aspects of sacred sisterhood. Trust, support, and deep connection.
These are just a few simple steps that can brighten lives and create sisterhood bonds to last a lifetime.
Just when I felt that I would never find a bond like I did in that circle again….I found myself atop a mountain in Idaho, in an adorable little home filled with medicine of all kinds, in the presence of perhaps one of the most powerful woman that I may ever meet in this life….pretty sure our bond goes well beyond this lifetime though, and I instantly knew that I had found my home yet again. Hours and hours of conversation on a couch, on two rocking chairs overlooking the beautiful mountains, amidst thousand-year-old cedar trees, and around a dancing fire were moments where I felt incredibly supported and was able to offer the same….with no walls, no boundaries, just beautiful vulnerability, and love.
To these women and others who have shown up for me and shown me know that sisterhood like this is possible….sending all of you my love.
I desire this and more for all of you….
Wishing you abundant health and happiness….and a sisterhood that is all that you wish it to be.
Leslie xo
References
Blakeway, J. (2019). Energy Medicine: The Science and Mystery of Healing. New York, NY: Harper Wave.
Do You Struggle With Feeling Not Good Enough?
by Leslie Moldenauer | | Mind, Spirit
We cannot think the things we’ve always thought and expect positive change in our lives. Today I want to talk about facing our emotional triggers to create positive change.
Facing Emotional Triggers to Create Positive Change
Comfort and change cannot possibly live in the same house at the same time.
Think about a statement your parents may have told you when you were young, that doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result is the definition of, insanity…right?! The same goes for our thinking.
Our thoughts, especially repetitive ones, create our reality, and triggers will present themselves to help us to question our beliefs, to challenge the paradigm. It is a great feedback loop that’s purpose is to help us grow and evolve; only many of us stay stuck. Everyone struggles with this at times. Think of a time when you decided you wanted to buy a new car and had one in mind; you would begin to see more of that exact model on the road than you ever had before. The more you think about something you’re struggling with, the more it’s going to present itself in your life. This is a gift.
What is a trigger?
An emotional trigger is anything that leaves us feeling uncomfortable, ideally showing us areas in our lives that result in us feeling angry, but we are not sure why. Initially, it can give us the feeling that we need to stay away from that person. More often than not, it is someone holding up a mirror to show us something that we could improve upon somehow.
One scenario could look like this:
You find yourself creating and bringing people into your life that trigger your struggles with speaking up for yourself, and you tend to let others take advantage of your generosity and gentle nature. The trigger happens because they so eloquently speak up for themselves, and you have witnessed them being their advocate quite successfully. This may continue until you can flex that muscle and have the courage to speak up for yourself when needed. Those triggers are there to encourage your growth.
I recently visited a dear friend and spent a week having deep and intense, and sometimes gut-wrenching conversations with her and her family. Seemingly out of the blue one morning, my friend’s friend, also staying in the home, sat down across the room from me and announced, “You have triggered me since you have gotten here.” If I am honest, I was not prepared for that. I understand what my triggers are, of course, not all of them, but I know what it means, and I have never had anyone bring them to me before for discussion. I took a breath and said, “Let’s talk about that.”
She proceeded to tell me with utmost honesty and courage because it takes great courage to have these conversations, that when I walk into the room, I never hide my feelings or wear a mask. If I am happy, she knows it, and if I am not, she knows it. I have no poker face, especially when I am comfortable. She proceeded to say that throughout her childhood, she had to wear that smile. To be jovial and cheery and upbeat, no matter how she felt. She wore masks and carried this with her into adulthood. Can you close your eyes and see a happy smiling face and an upbeat voice saying, “I am doing great,” even if that was not even close to the truth? Perhaps you do this too?
So, in her seeing me never do that, she was triggered. I challenged that belief in her life. I made her uncomfortable. She thanked me for that as it was reminding her that it was ok to do the same. She could be herself and be safe. That she would begin to heal if she could just be herself, no matter who was in the room, and not be so concerned about how that made others feel.
I was not always this way with everyone. I may seem very shy to some, and in many cases, standoffish. Judgments are what we innately do as human beings until we learn another way, right?
What I do when you first meet me is read your energy, watch your body language, and learn about you without ever asking a question. She responded that “she could feel that, and it made me very uncomfortable like you were judging me,” but that was not the case. It was my holding up the mirror so she could see something in herself that made her uncomfortable. So in this conversation, we had both learned about ourselves. What we interpret about another might not always have to do with them, but often does point to something about us.
Triggers can go much deeper than this and are not always healthy. Here is another example.
A narcissist and an empath is often a toxic meeting of souls. A narcissist does not need to be formally diagnosed, at least not with my experience. Mirroring, projection, and triggers are very common in this relationship. The narcissist may trigger those things in you which need healing, but sometimes in a very toxic, brash, unhealthy, and damaging way before they discard you and move on to someone else. Sometimes it is not even your ‘stuff,’ but their own. The narcissist will draw in an empath because they like how the empath makes them feel. Why? Oh dear empath, because you are SO MUCH STRONGER than you ever give yourself credit for.
(If you have suffered at the hands of a narcissist, I recommend the work of Melanie Tonia Evans)
This topic is a blog all in of itself, but here, in regards to triggers, whether it is the narcissist honing in on your every weakness or seeing in them something that you need to heal, the triggers are strong in this relationship. Always remember you need to work on yourself; others can only be your mirror. I recommend getting far away from this type of mirror. You can learn about yourself without the toxicity and destruction that comes with this type of relationship.
What are the first steps toward really facing these triggers?
First and foremost, it is important to take accountability. When you identify a trigger, be honest with yourself. Where does this come from? Is this rooted in reality or another’s expectations growing up? Or something else entirely? What would it look like if you were in control of your reactions? How amazing would it feel to live life by your own choices and your standards? These self-limiting beliefs about yourself are indeed self-deception. You have more power in this than you have ever let yourself believe. You do have this control, but only when you identify and work through them.
Can you identify it?
Ten years ago, I had no idea what triggered me. This knowing came through life experiences, living, and growing and learning about me. It came from conversations with friends like the one I mentioned above. If you have yet to identify with these things, do not fret, where attention goes, energy flows, and you can quickly begin to notice.
How do you begin to take notice? How do you start to connect with your body? Does someone have the ability to affect your emotional body? Is there someone you can think of that makes you uncomfortable? Angry? Do they consistently do something that makes you want to avoid them? What happens in your body when they come near? Tension? Increase heart rate? Irritability? Maybe even disgust? Have you ever considered why? Are they too boisterous? Talk too much? Complain too much? Do they have something you desire? These things can and do trigger the best of us.
The goal is to determine why it bothers you. Do you wish you were more boisterous? More yourself? Do you have a lot of negative self-talk, wanting to turn that around, and hearing someone being equally negative upsets you? Then that person is triggering that very behavior in you that you do not like! Begin to take notice. Use it as fuel for change.
What are some of the most common triggers?
To be understood
To be in control
To be respected
To be valued
To have freedom/sovereignty
To feel safe
To be heard
To have your boundaries respected
These are very reasonable expectations and triggers; just remember everyone does not have your heart. It is an essential aspect of beginning to face your triggers head-on.
It is all about growth, and it will not be comfortable. You are where you should be.
Will all of your triggers completely go away? Maybe, maybe not. If you can get to a point where you can quickly identify it, and move through the emotion, rationalize the reality of it, and move forward. More times than not, the other person has no idea that they are that mirror for you. You can determine if talking to them will help or not. For many, this is not in their scope of thought, and it might offend them. If you feel they are doing it on purpose, you have the right to have that discussion, and you have the right to walk away from that relationship if it is not feeding your soul.
Take care of yourself!
xo Leslie
Take Time to Celebrate your Success….Honor your WINS
The Chakra Series: The Heart Chakra Anahata
by Leslie Moldenauer | | Mind, Spirit
What are the self-limiting beliefs that are holding you back? Do you often feel like you are not good enough?
We all have something, many of us multiple things that we believe as a result of our childhood or a traumatic event in our adult life that somehow hold us back and keep us playing small…..maybe some things are still muddy and unclear, that may come to you in an unexpecting moment like a light bulb or maybe even like a strike of lightning moment. This may be a moment where you will be able to pinpoint a thought or belief that you could not do previously and it makes so many things clearer than they have ever been.
As a child, I always had a nagging from my Dad that no matter what I did, it was not good enough (he phrased it as ‘could have been better’).
**Even at a thin 123lbs with muscles from here to there in high school…he ‘lovingly’ pinched my handles.
**When I scored 4 goals in a single soccer game, which was common, I was told how it could have easily been 5 or 6 if I had focused.
**And my favorite (which so many of you have heard time and time again), ‘If you only applied yourself in school, those ___’s could have been ____’s. For me, it was ‘could have been A’s’.
These are only but three examples…and as a result, I held myself back from my dreams, life experiences, and greatness. I even held the company of people who played this exact role in their own lives…and who held my beliefs for me, reinforced them…and I never even saw it.
When I was just barely 40, and my Dad had already passed, I paid a visit to my Mom and brought with me a journal that would prove to be very valuable in my journey. I sat down one afternoon in the California summer sun and on a whim wrote down all of my self-limiting beliefs…all of the things I felt were holding me back.
I pondered….and I learned a lot about myself.
And then after everyone but my Mom and I were asleep…I brought them to her, particularly my ‘not good enough’ syndrome. The only thing that was different at that moment was I knew I was good enough….I just felt someone else, a key person in my life…didn’t.
We sat up into the wee hours of the morning talking and crying and laughing. I learned that night that my Dad (I miss him dearly) mirrored to himself and others exactly how he was treated his whole life.
His brother, only 5 years his senior, raised him, as their own Father died in the war when my Dad was a mere 3 years old (that math is staggering for two young boys)….and my Uncle, well-meaning, was also a perfectionist….nothing was quite good enough.
My Mom gave me many examples, but this one stuck with me, even to this day.
My Dad came here to America from Germany when he was 18 on a boat with nothing but the clothes on his back, scared but brave because he could no longer live under the scrutiny and wanted a better life.
He struggled as he did not know the language, but he met my Mom shortly thereafter, made something of himself, and raised two strong women…even through all of this, turns out, it was because of all of this.
Fast forward to the story….some (40) years later when my Uncle came to visit here in America……he literally walked straight into the back garden, my Dad’s pride and joy, and proceeded to trim and cut and mow…for HOURS…..because my Dad had not done anything right….only at this point, my Dad was too ill to care.
It was that moment that I truly realized the power of mirroring and of projection….and rather than being angry with my Dad, I felt lucky…..because he shaped me..and without all of that I would not be exactly who I am today, incredibly strong and able to take on everything life has handed me.
The next day I wrote a letter, forgiving him as well as myself..and vowed to sever that lineage of perfection at that very moment…and burned that letter in the California sun.
Why am I telling you all of this?
I am a true believer that in me, in you, in all of us sharing these stories that we:
1. Do not feel alone.
2. Are more likely to speak up and share our stories with those that matter the most.
3. WIll be able to break free from our past, our self-limiting beliefs, and those who are holding us back to shine as the amazing beings we are…..because life is too short to do anything but.
Perfection is unattainable, undesirable….mistakes happen and without them, without gracefully acknowledging them, we would never stretch and grow and transform.
Sending love to you all 
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Like so many practices in life, I encourage you to become educated on the proper use of essential oils. When using them, please do so cautiously, understanding that there is often misinformation on the internet. You can be assured that I support only educated and proven resources. While essential oils should not be feared they should be respected and used properly to ensure the safety of the individuals using them.
Please note that I am not a medical practitioner. The content of this website is provided for general informational purposes only and is not intended as, nor should it be considered a substitute for, professional medical advice. Do not use the information on this website for diagnosing or treating any medical or health condition. If you have or suspect you have a medical problem, promptly contact your professional healthcare provider. By using this website, you assume full responsibility and liability for your own actions.
by Leslie Moldenauer | | Essential Oils, Spirit
I am honored to share my latest guest blog post by Virginia Joy Musacchio (V.Joy) MA, CCA, CBC., Categories of Grief & How Using Essential Oils Can Help. Joy has been working with and teaching about essential oils for over 30 years. She owns and runs Stillpoint Aromatics offering over 400 organic, wild-harvested and biodynamic oils. V. Joy teaches aromatherapy certification programs and weekend workshops as well as classes on metaphysics and emotional wellness. She also offers aromatherapy consultations and “readings” for wellness.
Categories of Grief & How Using Essential Oils Can Help
Grief by definition by Merriam Webster is deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement. One thing that all types of grief have in common is loss. And depending on the severity of the loss is the severity of the grief.
There are sub-categories so to speak of grief.
- Anticipatory Grief – this happens when we have sadness or sorrow when dealing with an impending loss.
- Grief “Normal Grief”-If there is even such a thing as normal grief. In this type of grief, we are able to move through our life and deal with the feelings that arise from the event. Eventually, the grief is integrated and we can move forward and even sometimes grow from the experience.
- Catastrophic or Traumatic Grief – This type of grief, levels us. It can freeze us in time. This type of grief occurs when the event changes our lives permanently and we are never the same.
- Delayed grief – This type of grief occurs when that event or death is not dealt with at the time but years later.
The above types of grief are personal friends of mine. With my mother’s impending death from cancer 36 years ago I experienced anticipatory grief in watching her and waiting for her to die. My father’s death fits into the category of normal grief. I was filled with sorrow when he passed, but I lived on. However, my mother’s death was catastrophic and my world ended when she passed. It is now 36 years later that I am dealing with the delayed grief of her death.
So now the question becomes, what to do with this. The most important thing when dealing with any type of grief is to NOT suppress it. One of the worst things that one can do is go on anti-depressants. All the pill does is make an intolerable situation or emotion tolerable. It creates a fake floor and the trauma is not dealt with and does not go away. The only way to allow healing and integration is to feel it, go into it (as uncomfortable and scary as that is).
So now the thing is to find “things” to help us do this. The hopeful news is that there are many things and actions that we can take that can help us on this journey and integrate the grief or at least learn how to walk with our grief. The point is not to make the grief go away, the point is to become friends with grief and develop the emotional courage to deal with the waves of grief that may continue to come for our lifetime (especially in traumatic or catastrophic grief).
- As I mentioned, the most important thing is to feel what you are feeling. Cry the tears, feel the rage, the sorrow, the hopelessness, the sadness, the anger, and stay with the feeling until it moves (and it will). Allow the feelings to pass.
- Developing a spiritual practice is imperative, as this will help you connect to what is greater than us and not feel alone or abandoned. Yoga (not for me), meditation and/or prayer help tremendously. These practices help harness the emotions and transmute the grief (even only if it temporary).
- Therapy… that is if you can find a competent therapist that understands grief. (Beware though, there are many shitty ones our there).
- Rituals such as burning incense in honor of your loved one, lighting candles, or talking to them every morning or night may help alleviate the feelings of loneliness, abandonment, and despair.
- Using essential oils is very powerful as the olfactory sense is the only sense that bypasses the Thalamus (brain), and has a direct and immediate effect on the limbic system and neocortex providing almost an instantaneous shift in the emotional body.
Being that I am a clinical aromatherapist, essential oils are my specialty, so here are a few essential oils that are quite helpful when dealing with the emotional body and grief:
- Neroli (Citrus var amara) – The oil for the emotional body. Wonderful for deep sadness, anxiety, depression, loss, and bereavement.
- Melissa (Melissa officinalis) – The oil for emotional shock and trauma.
- Rose (Rosa damascena) – The oil for the heart’s deep sorrow and for self-love.
- Cedarwood (any) – Cedarwoods provide comforting and support.
- Linden Blossom – Helps regain the sense of trust in the world.
- Fragonia (Agonis fragrans) – Helps restore the balance of the emotional body. Wonderfully calming and stabilizing.
- Angelica Root (Angelica archangelica) – Helps provide a feeling of protection and connection to whatever the Divine is for you
They can be diffused, blended in a crème, or used as a pillow spray before bedtime.
Allow yourself to honor and feel the grief. Be easy and gentle with yourself.
Blessings,
Virginia Joy
Supporting others when under stress….holistically
by Leslie Moldenauer | | Mind, Spirit
Empaths or highly sensitive people like me really struggle the more we watch the news (which for me is very rare) or spend too much time on social media. There is a lot going on around us, and sometimes we need to work harder to remember that people are basically good. Sometimes very hard. Today’s post is revealing my top 5 ways to thrive in a seemingly cruel world.
We all know that there is a growing issue surrounding mental health or mental wellness, and getting the help that is needed whether due to insufficient insurance, the stigma surrounding mental health in our society or something else entirely; it is not easy, and for many, it is definitely not working. We live a community where many are afraid to ask for help, and often those that ask do not get the kind of help that is needed.
I hope we can begin to take a step forward to healing in this world, but without guarantees, there are some things that we as individuals, families, and communities can do to not only coexist but begin to thrive.
This post is meant to bring hope, and comfort in a world that can be cruel.
1. We absolutely NEED to unplug. The media does a fantastic job at instilling fear. Take a rest from the media outlets. Spend time in nature, exercise, spend time doing the things that you love, surrounded by the people you love. I recommend at bare minimum 1-2 days a week away from all electronics. This is not to hide but to recharge and restore yourself.
“If you are empathic and feel others pain, it might be a good idea to avoid watching any TV shows or movies that are violent in nature.”
2. Work harder to recognize the good in the world. Be that person. Lead by example. Do as I say and not as I do….is well….crap. When you see someone struggling offer to hold space for him or her. Ask what it is that they need, and listen for the answer. Give extra smiles to strangers. Volunteer time to help others in need. These types of behavior will not go unnoticed, and it will inspire others to do the same. Let the goodness spread like wildfire.
“Start asking around in your community. You may be surprised just how easy it is to help others in need.”
3. Live and let live. The toxicity that spreads on social media, just as much as in the real world (at times) is an energy zapper. Trolls are what they are dubbed in the social media world. I like to call them keyboard warriors. Have a strong opinion about something? You’re likely thinking…who doesn’t, am I right!? Everyone has the right to think for himself or herself. You do not have to agree. You are not them! Straight, gay, transgender, white, black, democrat, republican, homeschool, un-school, cry it out, breastfeed, formula feed, vaccinate, don’t vaccinate, allopathic, holistic, Christian, Atheist, I could go on and on and on. Do no harm, and live and let live.
I could meet someone at a public place who is the complete opposite of me….and I could get on with them just fine as long as they held the same space as I did, their life is theirs, and mine is mine. If I see someone on social media saying something I am adamantly against….I can scroll on without saying ANYTHING AT ALL. It is easy to do. Be that person for a much happier and calmer life!
“Replace criticism with compassion, and judgment with understanding.”
4. This goes along with #3. You have every right to walk away from those individuals who are toxic to your peace of mind. That is expected and encouraged. I have had my share of toxic people in my life, and am happy to say they are no longer in it. I surround myself with those that champion and support me, believe in me, and help me to learn and grow. In return, I do the same for them. Those are the people that light me up inside, those are the people that I will travel across the country for and answer the phone at 1 a.m to help them when in need (you know who you are). Your tribe is the good in this world. Hold them close. Nourish within and inside your inner circle.
“Respect yourself enough to walk away from those that do not respect you.”
5. Nourish yourself, and your mind. You get to decide what thoughts you think as well as the energy you nurture and allow to grow. Fill your days with things that bring you pleasure. This goes well beyond self-care. Many talk of self-care, and while the small things are important, and definitely not a luxury…I am talking about the habits you have, your belief system, your boundaries that you set up for yourself and uphold. Learning how to say no. Putting goodness into your body, as well as your mind. The things you do every day to nourish yourself will have a long-lasting impact. Like Buddha said, the goal is to be calm and still despite what is going on around you. This takes practice and discipline. You do not ‘need’ the world to be happy.
I hope that you have found a small measure of hope and inspiration in my article. Be the change, spread the love.
xo Leslie
Supporting others when under stress….holistically
by Leslie Moldenauer | | Mind, Spirit
Would you be surprised if I told you that the most common issue among young mothers is burnout? What I mean by burnout is adrenal fatigue and likely low thyroid function as these typically go together. Are you taking time to truly rest? You heard my story, and I have heard the stories of countless other moms who are living it now, hardcore, bone-aching fatigue. Speaking from experience, more experience than I ever thought I would have, here are some of the symptoms of adrenal fatigue. Do they sound familiar?
Exhaustion, not just your average “tired”
Craving salty foods
Fuzzy thinking/difficulty concentrating
Recurrent colds
Waking tired, even though you got plenty of sleep
Feeling revved up and most energetic later in the evening
Difficulty recovering from exercise (Cardio leaves you completely spent)
Possible sleep disturbances
Strong PMS symptoms
Low blood pressure
Heart palpitations
Increasing food sensitivities
If this list sounds like you, don’t panic. Your gut instinct is powerful and was likely telling you that something in your life and your health was off, simply because, like I mentioned above, this tired goes well beyond just being ready for bed.
If you are an avid exerciser it is going to be really important for you to slow down. Reconnection to self and lots of self-love is what is in order. Movement is important though; the type of movement that needs a shift for a bit. Yoga, tai chi, qi gong, and daily walking are on the docket. Weights are even ok. The key is not to get your heart rate too high for too long. You have gotten to this point because of a certain level of disconnect to self, and to start to pull yourself back and find homeostasis, you need to reconnect once again.
Sleep is critical here. I know you feel amazing late at night, but you have to try to shift your sleep pattern to get into bed earlier. At first, the shift can be slow, and you start to get into bed 15 minutes earlier, then 30 minutes earlier, etc. I know that is hard as your sweet spot is after the children are in bed and you finally have the house to yourself. Even now that I have recovered from adrenal exhaustion there are nights that I still falter and burn the midnight oil, but it is really doing more harm than good. Please try and get your goddess self in bed by 10:30 p.m. at the latest!
Having trouble meeting Mr. Sandman? Herbs and aromatherapy can be very helpful for you.
Time for Tea
Just like with your own children a nighttime ritual before bed is often very helpful to settle. If you are running around the home picking things up, making lunches, folding laundry, paying bills and the million other things we moms do, it is going to be hard to shut the switch off right when you lay down and go to sleep. Try teatime. Turn off all electronics at least 30 minutes before lying down. You could sit in silence, read a small passage of a feel-good book, or journal a gratitude list for the day. To-do lists are not welcome here.
Here are some herbs I recommend trying:
Passionflower (Passiflora incarnate) is an absolutely gorgeous flower, and in the dried herbal form, it is beneficial to calming the mind. As a matter of fact, “Scientists believe passionflower works by increasing levels of a chemical called gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA) in the brain. GABA lowers the activity of some brain cells, making you feel more relaxed” [1].
Passionflower is also a beautiful herb for anxiety, but there are a few contraindications to be aware of. This herb is not for anyone who is currently pregnant or breastfeeding. If you are already taking sedating medications, avoid passionflower in your cup, or you could greatly intensify the effects of your medication. Be safe momma.
Lemon balm (Melissa officinalis) in your tea is a must! Touted for relaxation of body and mind. Fun fact! In Germany, lemon balm is licensed as a standard medicinal tea for sleep disorders [2].
The essential oil, typically sold as Melissa, is amazing too, but rather costly. Many do not know that it takes quite a lot of plant material to fill that bottle, so I recommend using the herb to help calm before bed rather than the costly oil. Think sustainably!
Roman Chamomile (Chamaemelum nobile) is another favorite for calming the body, mind…and bonus, the belly! Use caution if you have an existing ragweed allergy or hay fever, chamomile may affect you as well.
Some recommend valerian (Valeriana wallichii) essential oil …but I think the herb tastes awful, and the essential oil smells even worse.
Use catnip (Nepeta cataria) instead!
Catnip is rich in nepetalactone, which has mild but effective sedative qualities, and acts much like valerian! [3]
If you mix equal parts of a couple, a few, or all of these herbs and enjoy teatime before bed, you might find yourself much more inclined to sleep peacefully.
Aromatherapy
Are you a bath person? A luxurious soak without the demands of your kids may be just what you need. Here is one of my favorite blends:
Bliss Bath
Rose Absolute (Rosa x damascene) 6 drops
Lavender (Lavandula angustifolia) 4 drops
Epsom salt 1 cup
Unscented fragrance-free shampoo 1 Tbsp
Full fat crème ½ cup (optional)
Mix and add to bath after the water has run. Light a candle, grab a glass of wine and relax.
Diffuser Blend
Turn the timer on your diffuser before you slip under the covers with your favorite nighttime blend. Here is one of mine:
Lavender (Lavandula angustifolia) 4 drops
Marjoram (Origanum majorana) 3 drops
Ylang-ylang (Cananga odorata) 2 drops
Neroli (Citrus aurantium) 1 drop
The number of drops given above is suitable for a 400 ml. water reservoir diffuser. If you wind up loving this blend as much as I do to completely melt away your worries, lower stress hormones and help you sleep, make yourself a master blend and store for easy access.
Said gently, much of the daily stress a mom tends to be in is from not accepting things as they are. Practice letting go. Start with little things in the home. It can wait. Let others be responsible for themselves whenever possible. We all know moms wear capes, and we are damn good at it…but that cape needs breaks, you need breaks.
Do not “should” all over yourself! I “should” have gotten the ______ done today. I “should” have been able to keep my cool when my children were fighting. I “should” have… I “should” have… I “should” have. Holy stress! No more “shoulding” on yourself.
Laugh more! Laughing is the single best thing you can do for your stress levels. Have Netflix? There are some amazing, and wicked, stand-up comedians on Netflix. Once the ears are in bed, sit down and enjoy!
Make a point to have girls’ night more often and enjoy each other’s company. No “kid talk” allowed. I have gone out with my girlfriends before when kid talk dominated the entire evening. If this begins to happen to you, speak up! Say gently to your friends, “Life has been hard lately, and I would really love it if I could get a couple of hours truly kid free. Can we talk about ourselves? Life? Hopes and dreams? Anything but our children?” Healthy boundaries, like these, are important. We all wear many hats, but boy does it ever feel good to just take them off and put them down once in a while.
Lastly, if you find yourself truly bone aching exhausted and are sleeping well, truly taking care of self with food, water, vitamins, all of it, with no improvement, please see your doctor. You deserve the best care possible.
If you like this blog, be sure to grab my latest book, “Mom’s Essential Oil Evolution‘ for yourself or a fellow loved Mom.
References
[1] Passionflower. Retrieved from http://www.umm.edu/health/medical/altmed/herb/passionflower
[2] Blumenthal, M. (2000). Herbal medicine: expanded commission e monographs. Austin: American botanical council. (pp. 230-232)
[3] Catnip. Retrieved from https://www.anniesremedy.com/nepeta-cataria-catnip.php
Like so many practices in life, I encourage you to become educated on the proper use of essential oils. When using them, please do so cautiously, understanding that there is often misinformation on the internet. You can be assured that I support only educated and proven resources. While essential oils should not be feared they should be respected and used properly to ensure the safety of the individuals using them.
Please note that I am not a medical practitioner. The content of this website is provided for general informational purposes only and is not intended as, nor should it be considered a substitute for, professional medical advice. Do not use the information on this website for diagnosing or treating any medical or health condition. If you have or suspect you have a medical problem, promptly contact your professional healthcare provider. By using this website, you assume full responsibility and liability for your own actions.
Complementary Therapies to Support Mental Wellness
